But with a few days still left, I've tried to take some parts slowly. And that's been quite wonderful, not only for the aspirational better-organization, or even the benefits of what I call "shopping at home," but also for what I am looking at and remembering.
I have looked through the cards I received when we were married and on every major family occasion. So many thoughtful wishes, so much time invested in preparing, writing and sending. I know back then I was grateful too, but I wonder whether I had the time and peace of mind to realize just how lovely those greetings were. Some were from colleagues with whom I had no contact outside work: how extraordinarily kind of them to reach out across that boundary and share personal good wishes. With most I haven't kept up contact, and that doesn't seem surprising, but how much I'd like to reach out just one more time to say 'thank you' for their intention and their action-- and to tell them that it meant something then and it does now again.
Some letters came from people - often from work as well - whom I knew much better but with whom I am no longer in regular touch. Some of them live in other countries, spread across the world. A few of them may even read this blog, which was what motivated me to stop the packing and write again after a bit of a hiatus (how nice to find a way to procrastinate that gets me to stop procrastinating something else!). Some of those notes were so deeply touching. I had often forgotten the strength of our experiences together. And how movingly these friends articulate what it has meant to work and learn together. It's revelatory for me to realize that while the work we did together is long gone, those human connections were the lasting elements all along. If you are reading this- I hope you know who you are and how much our connection still means to me today.
There are notes from my superiors. I had forgotten how much encouragement I've had over the years. How lucky I am, how motivating those letters are to read even now. As a boss, I need to internalize that lesson. How meaningful it is to feel thanks, and how deeply that can inspire.
There are a few notes from older friends, parents of my friends, friends of my parents.... How kind that you thought of me and us, how much I appreciate now what it meant to choose to be part of my life as I grew older and changed, and when there were no outside expectations to do so at all. As a kid, I certainly took this for granted, as an adult- I'm afraid I did sometimes too- caught up in my own life as I have been. I hope as an older adult I'll can tap into some of that same ability to care that you have shown.
Some of the notes are from family and dear friends. We've largely stopped writing letters now and I'm sorry about it. There is a permanence, a thoughtfulness, even a literary, storytelling quality that cannot be recovered in other forms. For a few years now I've also begun to appreciate what old friendships and relationships really mean, and why they are so categorically different than new connections, even when they too can be strong in the moment.
Some of the letter writers have passed away. Just a few - but I cannot bear to throw those notes away. Death is such an absolute barrier that it almost seems a miracle to have slipped out those pieces of paper from under its nose. Different from pictures or memories in my own mind, these speak quite literally to me in the voice of the person. I can't even read most of them now, but I'm glad to keep them for later.
I keep my father's notes. He often expresses himself in poems and small rhymes and they are beautiful.
Finally, my dear mother always wishes to be mentioned here, though I don't as a rule write about family, even if my gratitude belongs to them before any others. Here, though, I can say that I have more letters from her than from any other person in the world and that surely means something! My mother's letters document the major and minor hurdles of my life - the births and the birthdays, the successes and the disappointments, and also the small disagreements and the nice afternoons.
In the end - my pile of letters is smaller but my head more full. And above all, The emotion I experience through this really strong experience of going through letters is that I am so very grateful.
And now... Back to packing!
