For what do we stand?

If ever there was a time to articulate what we stand for in the most positive and passionate terms - that time is now.

With the terrible attacks in Paris and fear escalating in Europe, a vast number of people have stood up to say what they stand against. The war on terrorism that was first declared on September 21, 2001, has been renewed and rededicated, this time explicitly against Islamic fundamentalism. There are discussions about the need for surveillance; global covert data sharing; and vigilance in schools, prisons and on the internet. The show of unity has been dramatic.

But of course in the end, this is a war of hearts and minds, an ideological battle-- not just a security threat. The ideology that offers the most genuine passion, the most authentic appeal - is the one that wins for an untold number of youth and their enablers. 

The stakes are very high. If we don't win, there is no policing that can contain the threat that may emerge, no defense robust enough to find and quell each pocket of hate without trampling democracy in the process. 

And if we win, there is so very much to gain- not just against the would-be terrorists and the active purveyors of hate, but for ourselves. 

And yet, too few people are engaging on this front. It is easier to be united by a common enemy than to find our unity in a common vision. To do so sounds naive, simplistic, foolish. 

Everyone from the field of business to personal therapy knows about the power that individuals and teams derive from a positive vision. It's the key to success on career and personal fronts. And yet, we are sorely missing that vision in our political scene today, and often in our personal lives. 

My blog has been about trying to re-articulate, at least for myself, what is to be prized about our society, what has been won, and, as part of this continuum, what must be maintained or improved upon:

1. A belief in pluralism - which is the notion that we can live together because we share certain fundamental human traits that connect us beyond the diverse cultural, religious, and political beliefs we harbor. If we give this up and choose tribalism, we are giving up the fundament of any modern, global democracy. Hand-in-hand with embracing this belief, is a commitment to striving for the ideal of equal opportunity; it means women's rights, civil rights, freedom of religion, gay rights and more - not because we are the same, but because we must be given an equally say so that we can continue to live together.

2. The importance of education- a trust that more knowledge leads to better ends. Of course this needs to be checked with humanity, honestly, and a strong valuation of integrity, but it remains nonetheless crucial. Knowledge is the opposite - not of humanity but of superstition and repression. This belief provides justification for a free press and an open political system, where hate speech is countered by better speech, not force.

3. The rule of law and a monopoly of force by government, which is entrusted with this power by its people. There may be other rules in personal conduct, and other forces within families and communities, but none has the power to decide when different sectors collide beside the State, and that authority and its exercise must be recognized by all.

4. A strong appreciation of the sanctity of the individual. This understanding  is tapered by an interest in the common good, but not superseded. It goes hand in hand with the belief in pluralism, and each value checks the other.

5. And while these are not in our founding dictums-- I'd like to add that today we have understood the importance of an appreciation for our environment, for something spiritual within us, and a sense of perspective and humor. Perhaps these derive from a mature understanding of our own mortality.

At a time of overwhelming political gridlock and frustration - and much worse - cynicism, including among our most highly educated and comfortable, who today is fighting for what is right in the idealistic and passionate terms of men like Martin Luther King Jr., whose life we remember this weekend? Surely he at his time had the right to be cynical, to turn away from lofty ideals in favor of a simpler goal of personal/family comfort. But he chose instead not only to fight against what was wrong, but to articulate in a clear and stirring manner a vision. It was that vision- more I believe than the specific laws and disgraces he was fighting against - that drove him in his day, and inspired so many then and since: a vision of what was right.

What type of the society do we feel is worth protecting, joining, even celebrating? 

We really, truly have to make that case-- and believe it and share it. Now.

Communication is ... All there is?!?

This blog takes on a certain timeliness for me... Can today's events in Staten Island be used to help launch a conversation on race and structual bias, and also opportunity, or will it be noted and then fade away? There is a chance to move a conversation forward- in a way I haven't seen for many years- about an issue based in reality that has been around for a long time. And the conversation itself can do great good...

...

It took a first experience in another state of consciousness for me to understand the late German sociologist Niklas Luhmann's phrase "connectivity."

It hasn't been nearly as fun though it has taken longer to finally get his seminal point that in our social world, everything is communication. Luhmann refused to investigate "real" actions or goings on; he said you could only really analyze what is being said.

As an MA student and passionate 20-something, that seemed an academic cop-out. How could one deny that things happened. There was love, war, learning.

But as an adult, I can now say that I totally get it. And it's both infuriating and morivating: it makes me want to act-- or rather speak.

As I look at the perception of conflicts over time, I'm totally struck by the power of the frame. Ukraine is in the news? Well then it is happening for the vast majority of people in our western world. Out of the conversation? Then the problem has actually disappeared. It may rear its head again, but for the moment, it is not there in our consciousness.

Communication shapes perception and perception creates reality. Really.

That's not academic at all. And it's not predestined either. Would it be possible to keep Ukraine in the news? Yes-- write a great piece about Putin's childhood fantasties of Russia's breadbasket region, highlight one young woman who captures the imagination, report on a new element on the scene... The key- have it picked up, repeated, debated, shared 1 million times and then reported on again.

But, you argue- if something really "big" happens, it will make the news and be in the public discourse- so events create communications create perceptions- it's the other way around. 

Someone decided what "big" was- and someone believed him. Isn't there a muppet movie song to that effect? Kermit explaining the "existence" of God?

Ask anyone on the "happening to" side of the news and they will inevitably disagree with what was covered and how. The reality of the protagonists is not by necessity the "reality" we get. In fact we can get a reality that is quite different from those on the ground.

Is there a relation? Usually there is. But what context to offer, what frame, makes all the difference in how we understand those links to a real concrete reality. Are they fascists or saviors, murderers or brave defenders? In each there is a grain of some more solid "reality" or truth, so it can seem to jive with experience, to explain reality, but the choice of How that reality is explained, how meaning is assigned, is very contingent on who is communicating and how well, hence what communications are catching on.

Ukraine is a searing example, as I believe  for the folks there, life remains very hard indeed, whether we watch from here or not.

Even more infuriating for me is the realities that we create with our political discourse here in this country and in the Middle East.

It is a vicious cycle of communications strengthening the worst possible narratives, having some impact conversely on the reality on the ground, that in turn strengthens those same negative communications. It's overwhelming, it can be very convincing, and of course it too is in part true, and becomes more and more so every day.

I'm grateful for being able to finally see this clearly. And very very frustrated by the general direction of these communications. And impressed with people who stand behind their alternative realities, and wishing they would fight more for their communications.

Looking on the bright side of staying young at heart

As I race - literally- across Manhattan's subways and streets to get to pick-up at the very last minute, my mind is clear and I can't help marveling.

Here I am, racing yet again. I am no longer a high school kid late to school, or a single in Berlin dashing into the cold to meet someone for beer. 

I am a well seasoned mom, with some grey hairs, a very established job. I'm someone who cleans dishes every night, looks at bathroom renovations with interest, can't fit into size 6 anything.

But I'm still running to get there. Sure, there is a new desire to stop every few blocks for breath that makes it physically clear to me that I'm also different than I once was, but - as I run through the premature darkness at 5:55 pm on a mild New York November evening- I feel like nothing has really actually honestly changed. 

And because I'm in a good mood today, I want to read that positively. I want to embrace the running-late soul that is deep inside of me and that makes the 41-year-old Rebecca so fundamentally like the 15-year-old one. 

So much around me has changed- starting with the world (the Wall, the presidents, the technology), my context (the job, the family, to some degree my convictions), and my own physical self. 

But some things have not. Likely these include my ideas. But if who-I-am is measured by what-I-think-- it's simply harder to remember to what extent i have stayed constant or changed. Or have I only changed marginally as new experiences have layered one on the other? Is there something like an ethic or an impetus or a vision that stays the same? But if I want to learn, don't I want to change, and so not be like my younger self? The level of ideas and identity is deeply complex. There's nothing intuitive about it.

But some of these most basic feelings and even more, some of those scenes I've been privy to before- I recognize them. I know in my bones what it feels like to run- and to feel for a moment late, yes, but also free in some strange but real way. Free to pass everyone else, to be one with a beautiful night, to move my body as fast as I am able. 

I'd like to capture those moments that are quintessentially me. To read a book on and on and it feels like time is stopping - it will be irresponsible in the morning, but in the middle of the night it's just quiet and endless and all-absorbing. To ride a bike and feel my small revolutions set off larger gears and pull a huge wheel across the road at my bidding. To laugh hard. To run late.

Grateful for a certain type

There is a certain type of person that I'm really attracted to.

If it is a woman- she is nice looking, smart, has a generous smile, maybe glasses, maybe just pleasant eyes. She's natural and somewhat fit without being an all-out sports enthusiast. No serious make up, no serious clothes, but a lovely real look. If she has kids, she's relaxed with them, attentive, but not helicoptering. If she doesn't, she might be more of a flirt, more fun, but never lost in that persona of pleasing others. She has a good sense of humor- part real fun, small part irony. She's compassionate and grounded, a doer and a thinker. That's who I aspire to be too.

If it's a man, he's a little gruff, a little tough, he might have an accent- Eastern European, Latino, Israeli. He's handy - he can fix things, and he's strong. He laughs generously, and there's some fundamental wisdom there- seeing life just as it is, no illusions, but no taking it for granted either. If he's a Dad, he's a really good one. He can cook and take care of a house - though it's a competency and not a passion- and he has a sweet and gentle side with kids, whom he can juggle with humor and responsibility. He is pensive and directive in good measure, tolerant and slightly impatient too.

Man or woman, he is a thinking type, reflecting on lived experience and abstracting ideas that help to radar in on reality more clearly. She is moral- not in strictly religious terms or according to outside precepts, but in the sense of being true to oneself, and trusting that "oneself" is a decent being, a social animal that prospers when others do as well. Both types are accomplished- getting things done and caring about doing meaningful things.

I've met some wonderful people who have built out this type for me. Not a few of them are Israeli or Jews imported from elsewhere, and I don't doubt that this is a character derived from those seminal experiences from childhood and through my career in the Jewish world. But some are Palestinians, Germans, Argentines, Albanians, French, Nigerians... Even Americans! When I was young I noticed that a disproportionate percentage of my friends had parents from elsewhere...

What creates the type? Is it a combination of secure upbringing and inherited loss that grounds- that creates compassion and realism together? So different from the entitlement of perfect security, and equally far from the existential fear of those who have suffered tremendously themselves.

Grateful for adversity?

I remember the wise words of my Mom when I was a kid, desperately begging for a doll that had just come to market and that my neighbor received as it hit the shelves for Christmas. It was a bust - with hair that you could dye, curl and otherwise style, and make-up you could apply. If I still wanted it so desperately in three months' time, Mom told me, it would be mine.

Sure enough, I never got the doll. Well before deadline, my neighbor and I were on to something else.

Some fundamental human traits don't change with age.

Studies (and SO corroborated by lived experience) show that human beings are hardwired to enjoy new things for a short time and then quickly to return to a state of not caring. Sure- when we get a new toy (and this doesn't seem to change based on age, so fill in anything here- piece of clothing, art, food, gadget...), we are happy and excited for a while, grateful, but it's soon over and onto the next.

Since gratefulness is directly linked to happiness, that's hard stuff. It forebodes a world of spoiled jerks for those who have means, and misplaced help for those who do not - well-intentioned aid that may all too often be ephemeral in effect. Complacency, boredom... icky stuff. Not what we hoped from enlightened society. 

What can be done to alter that prognosis? 

- an intentional "slow" practice of gratitude. 

Gratitude is a good idea, but Blogger already assigned me "veryverygrateful" (the name of this blog) in my effort to practice gratitude because the less hyperbolic names were taken. People are joining gratitude challenges, marathons- the more, the better. There's something deeply suspect about these formulas. 

Perhaps it is possible to lock gratitude in time instead? To be grateful not in quantity -- a lot, often, veryvery -- but rather with greater quality, more heft. Can we revisit, often, a few special and defining moments -- when someone gave good advice, when an opportunity was offered and seized? Can we spend the time in the first place to identify these defining moments in our own life?

- an active pursuit of new experiences and not things. 

Can we cultivate an appreciation for a smile, a laugh, a chance to dance, even - crazy - to work together - over material things? Sometimes people describe these as relationships over material- but relationships are complex and can't be a source of uninterrupted gratitude any more than objects can be. Instead- let's focus on moments of relationships. 

As we think of how best to help others too, there should be a strong preference - at least when situations are not life threatening - for skills over objects, teaching over handouts.

- finally, a pursuit of challenge, of adversity. 

That may sound overboard- who would ever choose difficulty? But it seems so clear that when adversity strikes, it brings with it a chance for deeper feeling, for transcendence, and yes, for a new level of appreciation. 

It would be nice to say that we feel that way only if we ourselves are struck- but actually observing others in adverse situations is also powerful. The kindest interpretation of this is that we have an amazing power to put ourselves in the shoes of others and feel with them.

That's why the inclusion in religions of imagined/re-enacted suffering (slavery at Passover, communion's symbolism) is so fascinating. We don't actually experience the suffering, but we try to deeply empathize through what amounts to ritual and symbolic play-acting.

In a society in which we have so much- it is fascinating to think about how we can do anything but take it for granted. The answers above all amount to stepping out of the rhythms of our daily life. It seems necessary to do this in order to be able to look at that very life and see its distinct contours and to recognize them as good. 

Being a woman

There are challenges to being a woman in our society today. 

Some are internal- I read a very on point article earlier this week about how difficult  it is for women to hear criticism and how important to develop a thicker skin. Hear that.

And some are external - glass ceilings, the undying old boys' clubs models, and the issue of poor maternity policies. I've been exceedingly fortunate to have had incredible employers who have given me space on that latter and most fundamental of external pressures.

But in many ways, I count my blessings to be a woman in New York in this day and age. Beyond the timeless extraordinary physical capabilities of womanhood, we are living in a time when societal norms are making it easier and better than it has ever been.  

Here are some key aspects that go way beyond the basics- safety, freedom to choose motherhood or marriage, basic healthcare...

-- Men are positively encouraged to be supportive not only financially, but with time, child care, house work, cooking, even emotions. 

-- Employers are trying to include women in higher positions and cannot legally discriminate. Awareness of inequalities doesn't always fix them, but it helps. Flex time in all of its iterations is a basis for many conversations. 

-- A societal consensus has emerged on the capabilities of women and the desire ability of including them in all arenas.

-- There is full acceptance of women's choices to work and make money or to stay at home. This used to be doctrinaire one way or the other- but I have the sense that women who make different choices are coexisting more than ever and more accepted. You'll always find pockets of resentment, but in general- both women working and women who are at home (actually not usually) are prized.

-- and not to be missed... Those pointy toed high heels are finally out.

I've benefitted a lot from all of these and I'm grateful.

Thoughts from a trip to Berlin

With so much news about virulent criticism of Israel morphing into antisemitism in Europe, I wondered about my plans to visit Berlin this summer. I wasn't scared for my safety, but had some trepidation about the potential for bitter, defensive conversations.

More to the point, I wasn't worried about conversations, but about not being able to have them; that I might find myself at loggerheads with people I otherwise liked, with old friends... being yelled at rather than talking. 

I was grateful to find another reality.

I've tried to explicate some of the specific political perspectives I heard below. With few exceptions, they were fairly sophisticated and nuanced- no one with whom I spoke had notions of uncompromising black and white. 

Of course if I had expected a pro-Israel consensus I would have been gravely disappointed. But fearing the opposite- blindly anti-Israel diatribes, I was relieved by the sanity of the discourse. 

I wanted to document my experience in order to help fill in a vacuum of understanding about the way this discourse is going - at least in Germany - and help mediate some alarming reports about the worst examples of discourse that seem to have been generalized to implicate the entire society.

Most significant to me was that I found virtually everyone with whom I discussed the situation open to listening. 

Why is it important to be open? Because it proves that viewpoints are not ideologically set, that learning, which is a fundamental condition of any real conversation - is possible. And because I felt that there was genuine interest in hearing my perspective, a Jewish one.

Why does it matter if a few people - the small sample of my friends - are open minded? Shortly before I arrived, there had been demonstrations including ugly antisemitic calls that were widely reported and some violent actions of grave concern. 

Two responses.

First, the offensive chants and behaviors also involved very few, and they were roundly condemned and prosecuted. It is important to understand that the perpetrators were generally relative newcomers to Germany who do not see themselves as heirs to its cruel past nor the lessons learned. Certainly, these incidents should serve as wake-up calls -- certain values such as tolerance are not optional, but rather foundational and must be accepted by all, and much more must be done to make this the case. What these incidents do not prove, however, is that Germany's broad post-War efforts to come to terms with its past and to create a better society and a more open one for Jews have failed, and it was this extreme reading that I saw reflected in much of the media coverage.

Second, a country or community - any group - doesn't stand out because of a majority, or even because there is an angry minority-  but because there is a minority that is committed to doing what is right and feels empowered. That's all, in my mind, you can ever expect -- and it's also he very best thing to hope for. Germany has been impressive to me not because of majority sentiment, but because of the individuals I've met who are so truly committed to building a better society and fighting antisemitism and racism and other inequalities in very profound ways. In this case- there is a healthy number, including the people I spoke with, who may be critical, but who are not blindly so and understand the complexity. 

One last note- I was so grateful for the unexpected openness I found - perhaps not in small part because it allowed me to be open too. I don't doubt that some of my concern in advance of the trip was that I might spend a vacation spouting talking points. 

That's not fun for me. I am someone who is eager to "translate" different experiences into greater understanding. And someone who wants desperately to see Israel living in peace with its neighbors and who needs to feel there is a chance precisely through the possibility of reconciling different narratives, pain and aspirations.

Below were some of the viewpoints I heard:

In general there was deep concern about the many Palestinian civilian casualties. One friend said she'd like to hear more nuanced viewpoints on both sides, but in particular on the Israeli side, and instead was presented with opposing black-white narratives in interviews with involved parties.

The demonstrations in Berlin were largely made up of people "of immigration background" as Germans say. Many are now also German citizens, but they carry with them a family history and often are attuned to a media and discourse whose origins are far away from Germany.

I heard strong concern about antisemitic utterances and acts that had taken place in Germany at these events - mirroring the clear condemnations of every major politician- and a worry that extremists might be bred and tolerated locally. It almost seemed a wake up call, though it is hard to predict if anything long term will result, nor is it clear what can be done most effectively beyond a society's strong insistence through education, political rhetoric, and civil courage on tolerance as a primary value, one learned in a most painful and personal way through the country's own history.

There was a deep concern about where this conflict might go and whether it would ever end, what if any long term solution might still be feasible, and a skepticism of the honest intentions of some of the players. 

There was also a clear and critical understanding of the destructive extremism of Hamas, and an understanding that Israel couldn't ignore open fire and tunnels. Perhaps the terrible revelations of ISIS acts that were concurrent with my visit lent additional emotional weight to that perspective.